Room & Board

Dear Friends,
Recalculating! Recalibrating! Readjusting!
In order for me to cover the cost of my frequent visits to Toronto ( and my winter wardrobe), I need to work more than couple of days a month. Thus, when the opportunity came up to work in the same classroom for a few weeks, I jumped at it. In order to be able to work day in, day out, I had to make my living conditions more pleasant. As they say in the business world, gotta spend money to make money! Cleaning products — $$, Laundry card — $$,  small appliances (kettle, coffee maker, humidifier, iron, alarm clock) — $$$. I didn't go as far as painting or remodelling, but I washed, scrubbed, polished and filled the fridge and the cupboards with good wholesome food.  It was a freshly baked pie short of a feel-good movie, where the protagonist, finally, finds her suitable, but shabby place, and makes it her own. Everything has a price, some people like to call it compromise. My son provides room, I provide board. As long as we continue to communicate with each other honestly and respectfully, we will be just fine, whether living part-time under the same roof, or apart.
Best of all, my neighbours in Cobourg offered to look after my plants, and my two-year-old goldfish, Su (Shi passed away in August).

 

Love Me, Love Me Not?

Dear Friends,
Far from me to try to solve the mysteries of human behaviour. However, I've come to conclude that there are only two types of people out there; the self-preservers and the self-destructors. It doesn't really matter wether you are a left brainer or a right brainer, an extrovert or an introvert, a taker or a giver. What matters is whether you live to preserve, or to destroy yourself.
As cliché-ish as it may sound, if as a child your emotions and ideas were taken into consideration, you learned that you are valuable. On the other hand, if you were ignored or disparaged, you learned that you are dispensable. Of course, once you grow up and gain control of your life, you can always move to the greener pastures. It's difficult, but not impossible. So many miserable children managed to deprogram their inner voices and become self-assured, self-loving adults.
We should all start our day by asking ourselves this, "What is my objective today, to preserve or to destroy myself? Will my thoughts, feelings, activities, diet and interactions enrich my soul, or impoverish my spirit?" 
I'm still walking around with poison in one pocket, antidote in the other, but I'm learning to recognize the signs. Although my mind continues to play tricks on me, I've learned that my body never lies. And then, right when I think I've behaved self-destructively, I realize that sometimes, self-preservation comes in disguise. 

Lessons Reinforced!

Dear Friends,
As an avid pupil of school of life, I've acquired the wisdom to treat my experiences as learning, growing opportunities. After three days of substitute teaching, in three different schools, I have the following to report:

Substitute teaching is not as easy as everyday teachers believe it to be. Being responsible for a group of unrecognizable faces and unfamiliar names is challenging! 
Lesson reinforced — walk a mile in someone else's shoes before passing judgement!

Thinking it would be nice to go by my first name this time around, I asked students to call me Lili, but then, the entire day, I referred to myself as Madame! 
Lesson reinforced — old habits die hard!

From west to east to north, all schools have sour pusses, all classrooms have rebel rousers, and all offices have at least one insecure authority figure who wouldn't mind ruining your day! 
Lesson reinforced— wherever you go, God's sky is one colour (Farsi saying). 

I spent half a day with 20 first graders, reached for the wine as soon as got home. I will definitely eliminate Kindergarten from my list of classifications. 
Lesson reinforced — always keep a bottle of Merlot handy!   

Faulty GPS

Dear Friends,

The GPS inside my head is worse than the one in my ex-husband's car, it keeps recalculating and recalculating! Finally, an hour ago, the little voice was able to take me where I needed to be, at the corner of understanding and acceptance. 

I realized that I definitely wasn't going to get rich on substitute teaching pay, thus no need to stress over finding assignments. One day here, one day there (with plenty of advanced notice), planning or executing other teacher's plans will suffice to keep my creative mind on her toes.

The last few days have also taught me that my son doesn't need 24-hour supervision. He just wants my support, and maybe a couple of home-cooked meals. Thus, no need to take his pulse every two minutes.

As far as "vacationing" goes, Oprah says, you have to look after yourself, before you can take care of others. Thus, today, sitting on a massage-chair, getting a pedi, followed by a long-overdue visit with a friend, was exactly what the guru had advised.

Tonight, in my home away from home, adorned with wifi, I believe that what I thought would be "the best of both worlds" can still be. I feel calm, confident and positive. It could be the cheap white wine talking, or the thrill of returning to the lake tomorrow.
I'm sure my faithful faulty GPS will be only too happy to recalculate, if need be.

Vagabond in Toronto

Dear Friends,
Sometimes when I write, I get very confused. For the longest time I didn't know why. One day, as writer's block led to frustration, and frustration to serious self-criticism, I realized that I have the tendency to squeeze too many ideas into the same post. Eventually, recognizing the signs, I learned to sit back and ask myself, Lili, what's exactly your angle?
This evening, as I dragged my tired feet to the neighbourhood Coffee shop, to connect electronically with the world outside of my head, I had an epiphany! My presence in Toronto, had way too many angles! No wonder I felt as miserable as I did last night! Was I vacationing, looking after my child, or making money supply teaching? Each of these purposes entails a separate set of properties. Of course, it would be great if I could do all the above and remain sane, but I can't. Next time I pack my bags for Toronto, I will have much clearer objectives. Until then, I shall have another cookie!

La Miserable

Dear Freinds,
Recently, Big Brother, whoever he is, whether sitting on the Facebook wall, or peeking through my choices on YouTube, has decided to post a variety of links on my behalf, like Tom Cruise watches one movie a day! Did I ever express interest in the pretty boy? No, not recently anyway! Every time I see something on my timeline that I didn't put there myself, I deleted with vengeance! Tonight, once again, my eyes befell on an unsolicited link. Except this time, the title spoke to me. It had something to do with feelings (I wonder whether Big Brother reads my blog). When I tapped on "read more", and ended up on a useless site about cars, I realized that Big Brother is not a competent spy, after all (I don't drive)! To make a long story short, I didn't get to read the article, but I gathered this much - feelings don't lie.
As I'm sitting here in a neighbourhood coffee shop with wifi, drinking gallons of cafeinated beverages, (my son doesn't have Internet), what I'm feeling puts to rest any doubt I might've had about retiring and moving out of Toronto.
I had a great day in one of the most organized classrooms. I felt needed, respected and liked, but right now, I feel tired, uncomfortable, out of sync and rather lonely. I don't think I will be good at commuting, or spending my evenings amongst strangers, looking for available assignments on line.
Back to the drawing board, what does Lili want to do when she retires?

Dead Reckoning

Dear Friends,
Our lives would be so much simpler, if we learned to live by our sayings, like, never say never, or, it ain't over till the fat lady sings! But no, we all have to take the road most travelled; dismiss popular wisdom in favour of firsthand experiences! 
I've decided to go to Toronto periodically, to spend time with my son, and to work as a substitute teacher. It doesn't mean that my life will go from good to better or from good to bad, it just means that I'm changing course. 
As much as I want to see my former colleagues and students, as much as I'll have plenty of working days at my old school, I can't really go home again. My perfect exit didn't leave room for a re-entry! Instead of eating my words or swallowing my pride, I rather cut off my nose (it's too big anyway)! In the process, I shall visit new schools and forge new relationships.

“Make your mistakes, take your chances, look silly, but keep on going. Don’t freeze up.” 
― Thomas Wolfe, You Can't Go Home Again

Serendipity

Dear Friends,
Today's posting started as a quick e-mail to a friend, recounting my weekend, but somehow it developed a life of its own, and Voilà! 
A few days ago, contemplating a trip to Nashville, I googled Grand Ole Opry. Well, ticket prices, starting at 195 US dollars, sure dampened my interest! 
But then, last Sunday, Universe proved, once again, that it works in mysterious ways!
As part of my "keep busy productively" program, I had bought a ticket to a country music concert. With all my enthusiasm for hillbilly tunes, the last thing I expected was to be transported to Natural High Zone, where, as much as you feel your existence with utmost intensity, you don't really exist anymore. Seated at a small round table, surrounded by five strangers in their eighties, I felt my emotions climb up all the way from my gut to my eyes, not because I was sad or happy, but simply because I was capable of feeling. I was capable of letting the music, the lyrics, the voices touch me.
Although I'm neither christian, nor romantically involved, I keep humming the following two lines from two different songs, over and over:

If you are just making memories, you'll have to wait your turn, ...cause I've got memories to burn. (Memories to Burn)
... but now that I know that I've needed you so, help me Jesus, my soul's in your hand. (Why Me Lord?)

No need to sigh after Grand Ole Opry! The Sweet Water Band, in the heart of downtown Cobourg, will do just fine!
Of course I ran out this morning, and bought a ticket for the December performance. I believe I've developed a Crazy Crush on Dusty King Jr.! Strangely enough, he didn't sing either of those two songs!

Dusty King Jr.

Monkey see, Monkey feel!

Dear Friends,
This afternoon, I had an amazing revelation! I was watching a movie "On Demand," when all of a sudden I realized that I was sitting on the edge of my futon, with clenched hands and jaw, waiting in suspense, for tragedy to hit the protagonist. Scene after scene, nothing! My anticipation of disaster grew into disappointment. Is this all there is to this movie, I wondered, a simple story without death, violence, betrayal? Not even a missed opportunity, a handful of regrets? That's when I realized that what I watch regularly on TV has trained me to expect horrible twists at every turn, just like certain events in my life have taught me to expect more mishaps. As I drew a parallel between my reactions while watching the movie and my state of mind in general, I walked away from "Chef" with a two-fold message; what my eyes feast on at night contributes to my fears, and my newly acquired pessimism is merely a programming issue. 
As Oscar Wild put it so wisely, Life imitates Art far more than Art imitates Life. Most filmmakers imaginations are destroying vulnerable minds and emotions. This Monkey, will definitely practise more discretion, the next time she plants herself in front of the box!

BE HAPPY, DAMMIT!

Dear Friends,
To say that I have a strong desire to find peace and happiness, is definitely an understatement. For the past twenty-five years, I've been reading, digging, questioning and examining, tapping into optimism, listening to the wise and subscribing to the school of positive thoughts, surrounding myself with meaningful objects and encouraging affirmations. Heck, from October 2011 to June 2012, I published 166 postings on my gratitude blog. http://www.lilisgratitude.blogspot.ca  
Recently, I've adorned my timeline with uplifting pictures, messages and links. Slowly, but firmly, I've changed, finding joy in insignificant daily activities, such as holding a hot cup of tea between my fingers, on a rainy day, or a hot shower at the end of a long day. Even now, caught between two generations of whiners, I try to battle my demons by finding pleasure in watching the tides chase each other, in turning down my bed an hour before joining it, or in solving crossword puzzles. 
If you happen to be a member of the Sandwich Generation Club, you know, as well as I do that,  
"No one is in charge of your happiness, except you," or "... you are the author of your dream... " are simply beautiful lines. My new mantra comes from Haruki Murakami's 13th novel, Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage, "You can hide memories, but you can't erase the history that produced them." I can attest to that, every hour of every day. Nonetheless, may I just shout, from the top of my lungs, BE HAPPY, DAMMIT, so I can stop feeding my guilt — literally!