Love at your convenience

Dear Friends,

My definition of love is twisted, and that explains why I've lived most of my adult life alone.

I need a fellow who goes that extra mile (at least once), or commits one insane act for me, not at his convenience, but at my unreasonable request.

I invited my ex-husband to join me and our granddaughters for a sleepover, making it very clear that I "needed" him. He replied, " The flight is too expensive."

Now, we are talking about a man who has made a career out of woeing me, leaving all the women in my family "envious".

"Love at your convenience!" I erased his texts and continued to scrub my tiny apartment. 

I just wanted our last sleepover to be perfect. I wanted to take the girls to the pool, the discovery centre, the ice cream parlour. Somehow, I didn't see myself doing all that alone, in a pouring rain. I'm always anxious about their safety. And perhaps, I needed their grandfather for emotional support. He called a few times, concerned. He must've left ten messages. As if I had a free hand to pick up the phone! 

Girls know how to have fun! We did everything on the agenda, except swim in the pool, but playing in the bathtub was as much fun. 

I repaid my ex-husband by FaceTime and a few cute pictures, because that's just the kind of person I am, full of surprises! 

It's so hard to give to good times. Most of us save our money, energy or heroic acts for disasters. Had I asked my X to come to my deathbed, he would've taken the first flight out of Philly. 

What astonishes me is that after 42 years, I'm still hoping to be surprised!!!!! Duh Lili, duh!

Bon Appetit!

Dear Friends,

Got off the train. Took the bus to the foot of my street. Walked uphill and walked downhill. Dropped off my suitcase.

Had every intention of going to the grocery store, but instead, ended up at William's Landing, my favourite terrace in Toronto! Japanese tuna salad and Italian Pinot Grigio! What can I say, it's summer and I'm living in the "now" which, according to experts, is only 3 seconds long! Then, it becomes the past, the guilty past, in my case.

I blame my pink, kitten-heel sandals! Shouldn't have taken off my bulky, ugly walking shoes!

Happy Anniversary!

Dear Friends, 

Another school year is almost over. I’m happy to say that I was involved enough to deserve a glass of Bubbly on Wednesday. Nothing is worse than going out with teacher friends and not feeling what they are celebrating. 

Last June, I was sure of all my choices, decisions and plans, and then, not so much anymore. 
If retirement means withdrawing from one’s occupation, downsizing or simplifying one’s life, I turned out to be a lousy retiree. When the opportunity came up to teach for a long period of time, I took it. When a conveniently located studio appeared on Toronto’s real estate market, I bought it. I divided myself between two towns, two homes and two social circles. I said, for a while, I’ll do whatever I want to, and I did. In the process, I complicated my life and compromised my bank account. A Year later, I’m still not sure what retirement meant to mean. 

Retirement is not freedom (as insurance companies want us to believe), obligations and limitations did find my carefree spirit. A few appeared on their own and some I created myself. Actually it was not me, ignorance, or boredom that guided me, but my wise subconscious. I needed that classroom in November, as much as it needed me. I needed to reinvest my capital before it turned into extra kilos, or fancy accessories. Retirement is not a to-do-list, a phase, a lifestyle or God’s waiting room to heaven or hell, either. It’s only a pension cheque.   

I’m not simple, neither has been my life, thus my retirement shouldn't be any different. I will be here or there, do this or that, feel comme çi or comme ça. Luckily, my employer allows me to sail into the sunset, gradually. 
Happy First Anniversary, Retirement!

Let It Go!

Dear Friends,

Everything I read, hear or see, including my granddaughters' favourite movie, soundtrack, costume, book, bag, notepad and pencil (Frozen), suggests to Let It Go!

As we get wiser, we innately learn not to sweat the little stuff, but I think that I've taken the concept a bit too far! 

In the process of letting go of the past grievances and the future worries, I've become an expert in living in the now which means I've limited memory, just like old hard-drives. I forget that I don't burn calories as fast as I used to. I hardly remember that I don't make as much money as I used to. My collection of clothes and activities indicate that I've also forgotten how old I am. 

All I have to say in my defence is that I'm a thorough person. My father, God bless his soul, used to say, "Either do it right, or don't do it at all!" 

Here is looking at you Papa, Happy 97th Birthday!