Room & Board

Dear Friends,
Recalculating! Recalibrating! Readjusting!
In order for me to cover the cost of my frequent visits to Toronto ( and my winter wardrobe), I need to work more than couple of days a month. Thus, when the opportunity came up to work in the same classroom for a few weeks, I jumped at it. In order to be able to work day in, day out, I had to make my living conditions more pleasant. As they say in the business world, gotta spend money to make money! Cleaning products — $$, Laundry card — $$,  small appliances (kettle, coffee maker, humidifier, iron, alarm clock) — $$$. I didn't go as far as painting or remodelling, but I washed, scrubbed, polished and filled the fridge and the cupboards with good wholesome food.  It was a freshly baked pie short of a feel-good movie, where the protagonist, finally, finds her suitable, but shabby place, and makes it her own. Everything has a price, some people like to call it compromise. My son provides room, I provide board. As long as we continue to communicate with each other honestly and respectfully, we will be just fine, whether living part-time under the same roof, or apart.
Best of all, my neighbours in Cobourg offered to look after my plants, and my two-year-old goldfish, Su (Shi passed away in August).

 

Love Me, Love Me Not?

Dear Friends,
Far from me to try to solve the mysteries of human behaviour. However, I've come to conclude that there are only two types of people out there; the self-preservers and the self-destructors. It doesn't really matter wether you are a left brainer or a right brainer, an extrovert or an introvert, a taker or a giver. What matters is whether you live to preserve, or to destroy yourself.
As cliché-ish as it may sound, if as a child your emotions and ideas were taken into consideration, you learned that you are valuable. On the other hand, if you were ignored or disparaged, you learned that you are dispensable. Of course, once you grow up and gain control of your life, you can always move to the greener pastures. It's difficult, but not impossible. So many miserable children managed to deprogram their inner voices and become self-assured, self-loving adults.
We should all start our day by asking ourselves this, "What is my objective today, to preserve or to destroy myself? Will my thoughts, feelings, activities, diet and interactions enrich my soul, or impoverish my spirit?" 
I'm still walking around with poison in one pocket, antidote in the other, but I'm learning to recognize the signs. Although my mind continues to play tricks on me, I've learned that my body never lies. And then, right when I think I've behaved self-destructively, I realize that sometimes, self-preservation comes in disguise. 

Lessons Reinforced!

Dear Friends,
As an avid pupil of school of life, I've acquired the wisdom to treat my experiences as learning, growing opportunities. After three days of substitute teaching, in three different schools, I have the following to report:

Substitute teaching is not as easy as everyday teachers believe it to be. Being responsible for a group of unrecognizable faces and unfamiliar names is challenging! 
Lesson reinforced — walk a mile in someone else's shoes before passing judgement!

Thinking it would be nice to go by my first name this time around, I asked students to call me Lili, but then, the entire day, I referred to myself as Madame! 
Lesson reinforced — old habits die hard!

From west to east to north, all schools have sour pusses, all classrooms have rebel rousers, and all offices have at least one insecure authority figure who wouldn't mind ruining your day! 
Lesson reinforced— wherever you go, God's sky is one colour (Farsi saying). 

I spent half a day with 20 first graders, reached for the wine as soon as got home. I will definitely eliminate Kindergarten from my list of classifications. 
Lesson reinforced — always keep a bottle of Merlot handy!   

Faulty GPS

Dear Friends,

The GPS inside my head is worse than the one in my ex-husband's car, it keeps recalculating and recalculating! Finally, an hour ago, the little voice was able to take me where I needed to be, at the corner of understanding and acceptance. 

I realized that I definitely wasn't going to get rich on substitute teaching pay, thus no need to stress over finding assignments. One day here, one day there (with plenty of advanced notice), planning or executing other teacher's plans will suffice to keep my creative mind on her toes.

The last few days have also taught me that my son doesn't need 24-hour supervision. He just wants my support, and maybe a couple of home-cooked meals. Thus, no need to take his pulse every two minutes.

As far as "vacationing" goes, Oprah says, you have to look after yourself, before you can take care of others. Thus, today, sitting on a massage-chair, getting a pedi, followed by a long-overdue visit with a friend, was exactly what the guru had advised.

Tonight, in my home away from home, adorned with wifi, I believe that what I thought would be "the best of both worlds" can still be. I feel calm, confident and positive. It could be the cheap white wine talking, or the thrill of returning to the lake tomorrow.
I'm sure my faithful faulty GPS will be only too happy to recalculate, if need be.

Vagabond in Toronto

Dear Friends,
Sometimes when I write, I get very confused. For the longest time I didn't know why. One day, as writer's block led to frustration, and frustration to serious self-criticism, I realized that I have the tendency to squeeze too many ideas into the same post. Eventually, recognizing the signs, I learned to sit back and ask myself, Lili, what's exactly your angle?
This evening, as I dragged my tired feet to the neighbourhood Coffee shop, to connect electronically with the world outside of my head, I had an epiphany! My presence in Toronto, had way too many angles! No wonder I felt as miserable as I did last night! Was I vacationing, looking after my child, or making money supply teaching? Each of these purposes entails a separate set of properties. Of course, it would be great if I could do all the above and remain sane, but I can't. Next time I pack my bags for Toronto, I will have much clearer objectives. Until then, I shall have another cookie!

La Miserable

Dear Freinds,
Recently, Big Brother, whoever he is, whether sitting on the Facebook wall, or peeking through my choices on YouTube, has decided to post a variety of links on my behalf, like Tom Cruise watches one movie a day! Did I ever express interest in the pretty boy? No, not recently anyway! Every time I see something on my timeline that I didn't put there myself, I deleted with vengeance! Tonight, once again, my eyes befell on an unsolicited link. Except this time, the title spoke to me. It had something to do with feelings (I wonder whether Big Brother reads my blog). When I tapped on "read more", and ended up on a useless site about cars, I realized that Big Brother is not a competent spy, after all (I don't drive)! To make a long story short, I didn't get to read the article, but I gathered this much - feelings don't lie.
As I'm sitting here in a neighbourhood coffee shop with wifi, drinking gallons of cafeinated beverages, (my son doesn't have Internet), what I'm feeling puts to rest any doubt I might've had about retiring and moving out of Toronto.
I had a great day in one of the most organized classrooms. I felt needed, respected and liked, but right now, I feel tired, uncomfortable, out of sync and rather lonely. I don't think I will be good at commuting, or spending my evenings amongst strangers, looking for available assignments on line.
Back to the drawing board, what does Lili want to do when she retires?

Dead Reckoning

Dear Friends,
Our lives would be so much simpler, if we learned to live by our sayings, like, never say never, or, it ain't over till the fat lady sings! But no, we all have to take the road most travelled; dismiss popular wisdom in favour of firsthand experiences! 
I've decided to go to Toronto periodically, to spend time with my son, and to work as a substitute teacher. It doesn't mean that my life will go from good to better or from good to bad, it just means that I'm changing course. 
As much as I want to see my former colleagues and students, as much as I'll have plenty of working days at my old school, I can't really go home again. My perfect exit didn't leave room for a re-entry! Instead of eating my words or swallowing my pride, I rather cut off my nose (it's too big anyway)! In the process, I shall visit new schools and forge new relationships.

“Make your mistakes, take your chances, look silly, but keep on going. Don’t freeze up.” 
― Thomas Wolfe, You Can't Go Home Again